Boundaries
Unapologetic Boundaries
This is an extended excerpt from ‘The Stories We Carry’, by best-selling author Jas Rawlinson
Without a doubt, one of the most important things I have ever done is to learn how to begin setting and implementing boundaries.
I’d like to say that I’m a pro, after so many years of experimentation, but I’ve found that the journey to becoming rock-solid in our boundaries is ever-evolving. That said, I’m extremely proud of how far I’ve come.
In order to thrive, it’s vital that you understand three things.
1) You are allowed to set boundaries in your life.
2) You absolutely must set boundaries in your life.
3) Setting boundaries does not make you a b*tch – you can still be a kind and empathetic person while putting things in place that make life more comfortable and peaceful.
For those of us with a history of trauma (in particular, women), it can feel almost painful to prioritize ourselves over others and to voice what we truly want (not what we think we should want). As a result, our heads are filled with messages like:
‘Be polite. Don’t offend. Don’t hurt her/his feelings. Be relatable. Be nice. You don’t want to lose this opportunity/relationship/job, do you?’
As a sensitive and empathetic person, I know that this compassionate side of my personality is a double-edged sword.
On one hand, my empathy/sensitivity is one of the main reasons my clients seek me out as a book coach – but it has also led to unhealthy patterns of people pleasing, self-sacrificing, and becoming a doormat for other people’s bad behaviour.
Whilst I’ve dealt with a lot of these issues in regard to intimate relationships, I think it’s important to note that our ability to stand up for our personal values, body autonomy, or feelings is also important in our work and personal relationships. So, I’d like to spend a little bit of time talking about this.
There was a time in 2018 where my lack of boundaries really caught up with me. I had a six-month-old child, my husband had been sent away for half a year on a work deployment, and I’d had to move back home with my mother in order to survive.
As my mental health advocacy began to rise, so too did the number of people reaching out to me. This included a young woman, who I’ll call *Sally.
Sally and I first connected over Facebook many months prior, when she friended me. At the time I thought she was a friend of a friend, but later, I discovered that she just went around adding anyone and everyone with an interest in mental health.
Very quickly, Sally began sharing with me about her mental health challenges, and this soon spiraled into constant messages where she would talk about being suicidal.
My heart went out to this young woman, and I felt a personal responsibility to help. I didn’t know her from a bar of soap, but I felt I had to respond.
What if I don’t, and she hurts herself?
I wondered. It will be all my fault.
Of course, every time I responded she simply latched on further, crossing more and more boundaries. This girl was in victim mode, and my attempts to help only validated her need for attention. Long story short, I overrode all boundaries to the point where I was Googling the opening hours of her therapist, and trying to talk her through whatever she was experiencing until she got there.
Why? Because I didn’t know how to say ‘No.’