Setting Strong and Unapologetic Boundaries
This is an extended excerpt from ‘The Stories We Carry’, by best-selling author Jas Rawlinson
Without a doubt, one of the most important things I have ever done is to learn how to begin setting and implementing boundaries.
I’d like to say that I’m a pro, after so many years of experimentation, but I’ve found that the journey to becoming rock-solid in our boundaries is ever-evolving. That said, I’m extremely proud of how far I’ve come.
In order to thrive, it’s vital that you understand three things.
1) You are allowed to set boundaries in your life.
2) You absolutely must set boundaries in your life.
3) Setting boundaries does not make you a b*tch – you can still be a kind and empathetic person while putting things in place that make life more comfortable and peaceful.
For those of us with a history of trauma (in particular, women), it can feel almost painful to prioritize ourselves over others and to voice what we truly desire (not what we think we should want). As a result, our heads are filled with messages like:
‘Be polite. Don’t offend. Don’t hurt her/his feelings. Be relatable. Be nice. You don’t want to lose this opportunity/relationship/job, do you?’
As a sensitive and empathetic person, I know that this compassionate side of my personality is a double-edged sword.
On one hand, my empathy/sensitivity is one of the main reasons my clients seek me out as a book coach – but it has also led to unhealthy patterns of people pleasing, self-sacrificing, and becoming a doormat for other people’s bad behaviour.
Whilst I’ve dealt with a lot of these issues in regard to intimate relationships, I think it’s important to note that our ability to stand up for our personal values, body autonomy, and feelings also relates to professional and personal relationships. So, I’d like to spend a little bit of time talking about this.
A Girl Called Sally
When I think back to a period of my life where my mental health was at its worst, I can’t really go past 2018.
At the time, had a six-month-old child and my husband had just been sent away for half a year on a work deployment… and this was when my lack of boundaries really caught up.
My first book — ‘Reasons to Live: One More Day, Every Day’ — had just recently come out, and as my mental health advocacy began to rise, so too did the number of people reaching out to me. This included a young woman, who I’ll call *Sally.
Sally and I first connected over Facebook many months prior, when she friended me. At the time I thought she was a friend of a friend, but later, I discovered that she just went around adding anyone and everyone with an interest in mental health.
Very quickly, Sally began sharing with me about her mental health challenges, and this soon spiraled into constant messages about her suicidal ideations.
My heart went out to this young woman, and I felt a personal responsibility to help. I didn’t know her from a bar of soap, but still, I felt I had to respond.
What if I don’t, and she hurts herself?
I wondered. It will be all my fault.
Of course, every time I responded she simply latched on further, crossing more and more boundaries. This girl was in victim mode, and my attempts to help only validated her need for attention. Long story short, I overrode all boundaries to the point where I was Googling the opening hours of her therapist, and trying to talk her through whatever she was experiencing until she got there.
Why? Because I didn’t know how to say ‘No.’
Breaking Point
One day in 2018, though, everything caught up with me.
At the time, I wasn’t doing very well with my mental health — and when Sally messaged me again, wanting me to fix her personal problems — I found myself at breaking point.
Instantly, I felt my chest begin to tighten and my belly clench. A swarm of bees began circling my stomach, creating a perfect storm of panic that barrelled upwards, clamming my throat shut. In the kitchen, my mother — none the wiser — continued speaking as normal, but as I stood there, I felt myself sliding.
And then, the next thing I knew, I was on the floor gasping in shallow breaths as I tried to hold steady through the panic attack.
All I could do was sit there, my back pressed against the hardwood cupboards, as I repeated in short gasps:
“It’s okay. It’s okay. I know in my head that it’s all okay. But right now I’m not okay.”
Panic attacks can be strange, like that. Mentally I have enough self-awareness to know that everything is going to be fine; that I’m safe and not at risk of harm. But my body takes a little longer to catch up.
Thanks to Mum, I was able to get in to see a doctor and received the help I needed, but as the panic attack lifted, I was left with the cold reality:
I had to start implementing boundaries in all areas of my life.
A Way Forward
Here are a few examples of personal and professional boundaries I’ve put in place over the years:
I no longer have notifications turned on for social media.
Clients are not allowed to have my phone number — I conduct all sessions via zoom.
When strangers or potential clients ask me to call them so they can ‘pick my brain’ or ‘just have a chat’, I politely decline. My time and energy are precious, and I reserve it for myself, my family, and my clients.
I pull myself back from replying to every stranger who emails, especially those who want to dump their problems on me for a quick fix.
I choose who — and what — I invest my energy into. For example, sometimes I’ll reply to people in my social media community with in-depth messages, but I allow myself to be guided by intuition, rather than guilted into it.
I have a non-negotiable ‘day off ’ during the week, where I never book clients.
I decline potential clients or opportunities that don’t feel like a good fit (even though, internally, I want to help everyone).
I don’t answer client emails on a weekend (and if I struggle not to, I compose a draft reply and schedule it to send on Monday).
When strangers contact me asking for mental health advice, I gently let them know that I’m not a professional and that it would be negligent for me to try to assess/fix what is going on for them.
Although boundaries are something I still have to work on, I’m no longer the girl who used to be everything to everyone (including strangers).
At times, it’s meant upsetting people, and I can sense that there are some within my own circle who aren’t happy that ‘relatable Jas who always answered everyone’s messages at the drop of a hat’ is no longer around, but I know that my mental wellbeing is more important.
If you’re new to setting boundaries, this is my advice: the next time someone asks you to do something or wants you to interrupt the flow of your day/energy to help, ask yourself:
How does this make me feel energetically?
What is the immediate response in my body? (If you learn to tune in to it, your body will often tell you very clearly what it does/doesn’t want.)
Is there something I’d rather be doing right now that’s more important to me? (Eg. Writing my book, working on my business, spending time with family, walking on the beach, crafting, gardening…)
Do I feel like I have to say yes? If so, why do I feel that way?
If I say no, what’s the worst that might happen? (Eg. My friend won’t like me anymore. People will think I’m full of myself.)
If it feels good, here are a few affirmations you can speak out loud, or internally (if you’d like to):
It’s safe for me to have boundaries, and to choose what I do with my body.
It’s safe for me to look after my mental wellbeing and energy.
It’s safe for me to put myself first and choose who I respond to, and when.
The more energy and peace I have, the more I can pour into the people and things that bring me the most joy
